Reflections Day 46

Lynette's Reflections 46 days

I feel like I woke up on the wrong side of the bed today. I’ve felt myself close to tears numerous times today. No, this is not PMS. I am truly working to embrace this completely different lifestyle for me. I’m asking myself: What am I really feeling? Why am I feeling this way? What is really bothering me? On and on I go. I’m wrestling with not working a job. I’d like to generate income but how do I do that with my skills and not get hooked into regular employment? I’m aching with loneliness, yes Tim is great company. We have friends here, but they are all gone on trips. I’m chatting with friends all over the place, but the connection is missing. Connection is a big thing for me, that connection to what I’m in the middle of with others.

I’m feeling limits on me because of cash flow. We are trying to make the little fund we have last as long as possible. When I am working I enjoy a massage two times a month and getting my hair done every two months. As I am moving around and doing life, I’m aching physically and when I look in the mirror my hair looks weird. Numerous reminders every day of a life that’s not present anymore. Sure I can go and spend the money on these things but that will limit us in the days ahead. 

For the last 5 years at this time of the year I had daily interactions with over 100 students, 7 or so colleagues, and family and friends. Its football season and I worked the gates on Friday nights at the games interacting with the public, students and staff. I had a 5 days a week schedule and a daily schedule. I ran labs where students were discovering and learning new things. Yes, it was full and busy, but ever so fulfilling. Now here I am, interacting with few people each day, and connecting with my computer screen and I’m the lab rat as I conduct my own experiments with the information and skills that I am gaining. I lose track of the dates, days and schedules of people. Life is so very different I think I am just having a hard time reconciling the now to who I’ve been and who I am now. I feel like a baby just learning to walk, all off balance and uncoordinated.

I feel frustrated that it is taking us so long to get things done. I really don’t like shopping and I’ve had my fill. When will our vessel documentation finally be done? We can’t travel into Mexico until we have it. What’s our plan? How do I make no plans and keep up those things that have need of my attention like payroll and a couple non-automated bills without spending money to hire someone to do it for me?

Then I have a question of influence. As a teacher I have influence, I get to make a difference in the lives of others, where is that now? I know we are influencing people with our lives with our blog of our adventures, but is it of any quality? Furthermore, why do I like to have influence? Its connection with others I suppose. Influence helps my life feel meaningful and gives my life purpose. For the last 32 years I have been in the service of others, touching lives, and making a difference. Now, I am in the service of self, not knowing in reality or with clarity how I’m touching lives or making a difference. Obviously I’m having a problem with being self-serving and un-regimented.

Switching into this lifestyle is not an easy task. I’ve done all the right things on the outside to take the steps to get here as far as I have been able to go, but reconciling these internal feelings is difficult and feels so unnatural to who I am as a person. I’m sure I will get past this issue, but this one is maybe the biggest and hardest yet. I have to find freedom to be this way that I have not been before. This is now 143 days since my job went away.

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